I am also frustrated because I feel I am not good enough…not only because I have no job but because the only dude that has expressed interest in me and I in him has apparently found a new girl…while still talking to me. WTH?

I am confused because of the above statement. If you’re interested in me and pretty much are telling me you want to date, then why continue to talk to me …while also now dating another chick? After all, it is now ‘facebook’ official…

I am disappointed because this is not at all how I envisioned my life to be…is it the economy? is it me? I guess I never really took the time to envision how my life would be beyond tomorrow/next week/next month, but I didn’t think I would be jobless, money-less, living at home and absolutely miserable.  But I’ll be honest-I still don’t really know what I want out of life… I have ideas of course, I’ve always been a loft dreamer, but the big question is what is right for me? What will make me happy? What will I be successful in?

Those are the questions. I guess I have to stay tuned for the answers.

I miss school. And my old college town.

You see, I was looking at the Target ad yesterday and noticed all the back-to-school goodies on sale. And then I began to remember how fun it is to buy new stuff for school-the supplies, the dorm room essentials, the clothes….and then I began to miss Cedar Falls. Or more specifically, the Target and Starbucks in CF. Because, you see, no week was complete without a trip to both.

I began to miss actual school and not the extras that come with going off to college a few weeks ago, when it began to hit me that it is in fact too late to re-enroll at a 4 year. If it gets too bad, which I think it will, I will be forced to take courses at the local CC…which isn’t bad but I’m beginning to miss the college atmosphere much more than I thought.

Damn me for not having enough money to move down there…

But of course, life is what it is. I had my chances to stay a college kid and decided to try my luck in the ‘real world.’ Of course, that is dealing its own tough lessons, as in it’s pretty much impossible to find a job that I actually might enjoy that’s also related to my major back home. Or anywhere remotely close for that matter. I’m trying to tell myself that I can’t go running back to the safe pad (college, home) whenever things get tough. But it is hard to ignore the fact that I really did want to return to college in the fall, that I really did want to continue to further my education in another subject/career field, that I had plenty of time to make that decision a reality 3+ months ago.

The facts are the facts: I have no money. I have no job. And it’s too late to really do what I want to do-return to college.

Of course, I do want the money, the independence…But all those things and more come with having a job and a life that is more conducive with an adult versus a more child-like, carefree way of living.

Still. I’ve been searching for jobs and quite frankly, the process is extremely nerve-wracking. Every time I find a prospect, I get a wave of anxiety. It gets dangerously close to the point in which I’m so anxious that I don’t even want to apply.

As much as I sometimes want to bury my head in the sand and hope this thing called life figures itself out, I know that it is up to me alone to make things happen; it’s both scary and inspiring at the same time. I know I need a job. I know I need money, that I can’t continue to depend so heavily on my parents. I know that I need to grow up and be more like a 22 year old.

I just am not sure I’m up to it yet. But of course, I don’t really have much of a choice.

I need to do it…I need to do it…I need to do it…

I need to woman-up, take initiative, and just do it.

Here we go….(hopefully)

It’s funny how I’ve spent the past 3 years talking myself into communications/journalism as a college major and career path. And for the past 3 year, I haven’t really been able to picture myself in any related setting. I no longer want to be a journalist (that lasted only a few months but was forced for more than a year) and with communications as a major, it opens a lot of doors. I mean, I could go into human resources, sales, management, journalism, public relations….. but honestly after enduring 3 years of communications-based curriculum, I find myself wishing for something more. I don’t want to work in any of those areas. When I think of my ‘dream’ job, I think more along the lines of an athletic trainer working for a professional team, being able to be right in the mix of things. See, there it is, my two points of interest: sports and medicine.

But now I’m faced with a dilemma…I just graduated from college. That’s four years of education; communication education. I feel as though I should give it more of a try before jumping the wagon and pursuing a completely different career area. I’ve been looking for jobs for a few solid months, and there really isn’t anything that excites me, nothing that makes me say “I need that job.” Not for the money but because it honest to goodness sounds interesting and is something I could see myself doing. You would think after all this time I would have found something, anything.

It’s so tempting to enroll in nursing classes at NIACC. It would probably take me  only a year and a half to get an aa/nursing because I already have all of my gen. eds . and niacc has an agreement with Iowa so that I could obtain my BSN (which of course I would get regardless) through the University of Iowa without leaving home. That would kill two birds with one stone: get a bsn and get a degree from the U of I.

I think I’m going to take the rest of June and July to think about it, talk it over with the fam. And if, come August, I still feel the same way and still have little prospect in the communications career field, then I’ll give it a go and apply for the fall semester….

I don’t want to work my life away, not to mention my summer. But I’m beginning to see that multiple jobs may be my only option…or at the very least a retail job that will rob me of everything. I want something regular but room to still enjoy the day and I would like to utilize my college degree, if nothing else to show that the past for years haven’t been for nothing.  Is that all too much to ask? (The answer to that is turning into a giant, fat YES)

I just feel so anxious…and depressed. I just have no idea what to do. It might sound drastic or overly dramatic, but I do feel as though I am at the end of my rope. Like, I just don’t know what to do or how to even go about doing something…I get a stomach ache just thinking about it. I just want to make money. And be happy. And be successful.

I mean, I’m the smart one. I’ve always experienced academic success, so why can’t that translate into professional success? Why has it been so hard for me to find my calling, my professional passion? Why why why?

For starters, I would save more money. Somehow, between August and December, I managed to spend roughly 6 thousand dollars. On what, I have no idea…it’s not like I made huge purchases like a car, although thinking back, I should have. No, I spent foolishly and frivolously, and have nothing more than an overstuffed closet to show for it. I did buy an iPad, which I treasure, and I did get to finally see my beloved Chicago Blackhawks play in person (albeit in Minny), but now that I have absolutely no money in my accounts, and I mean that quite literally, I wish I had been a bit more financially conscious.

I also wish I had been more wise when selecting my courses. Although I will finish with enough credits and for the most part don’t regret any classes I took, I now have to take a May-term course to satisfy a requirement…that I chose to drop at the start of this semester…Had I stuck it out, I would be totally done in a week and a half, instead of suffering through May trying to finish one last course. I also wish I had taken the time to take other classes, perhaps an accounting class, to ease some doubt about my future. I did take an intro. to accounting course at my previous community college, and for the most part I enjoyed it…I just wish I had continued and actually listened to myself.

I also wish that I had taken more initiative in everything…I went the whole semester without a job, yet I know that I could have found one had I tried harder. I let many opportunities pass by because I was too shy, too timid, too weak to chase after them. I also let many people go because I wasn’t ready or willing to fully commit to a life I want to have…more friends, more social time, more love.

Of course, what kind of a life is a life without regrets? Regrets are, after all, opportunities to learn and grow from. I sure have plenty I wish I could change…I just hope that someday it all works out and I can truly say that I have no regrets about my time at this university. I have no idea what my future holds, but after 22 years on this beautiful earth, living this beautiful life, I think  I have some idea as to what I would and would not like it to be like.

I don’t know why I didn’t listen to myself way back, more than a year ago, when I first contemplated changing my major to accounting. I think, more than anything, I was scared of the change. Heck, I still am. But the fact is that I am not satisfied with my major, and I have no real desire to have a job, let alone a career, in areas that are related to my major. There’s also nothing out there. And it’s not like I’m going to settle for something menial. I don’t even want to work at Target or some clothing store like that over the summer. A college graduate working minimum wage at a job most teens work at during high school? Forget about it.

I really just need to grow a pair and grab life by the horns and make stuff happen. I can’t afford to be so passive…I need to take charge of my life and do stuff.

Part of my apprehension/anxiety/general fear about what will be happening in the next few months is also thanks to the fact that I am not satisfied with my major. Even though I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I do feel as though my current major-Communications-doesn’t fit me or is leading me to a career and life that is me. I know I’ve written in posts past that I’ve debated changing my major to accounting or perhaps pursuing a nursing career. Those options are still on the table, but I’m still not sure. One day I want to work in sports-like in sports management, sports information department, athletic training- and the next I think I want more of an office job-think accounting, HR, pr/communication-based.

All I know is that a.) I need and want a job and b.) I need money. I don’t want to be a failure and not find something nor do I want to depend on my parents or siblings even for money and other things that I should be able to provide for myself. I want to be a good example to my younger brother and sister and show them that they can achieve success too…they don’t have to have careers or lives like our parents, who seemingly struggle to live paycheck to paycheck and have little wiggle room money-wise to do things that are fun-ie go to sporting events, movies, shopping, trips to other cities…

*sigh* Am I asking too much of the world? Am I asking too much of myself? I just wish my life’s path would be more obvious.

Of course I want to be self-sufficient and make my own money to have my own life. But I am also terrified of failure.

I have always been the smart one, the one who is going places, who is going to succeed in anything she does. I am afraid of letting my parents, my siblings, my grandparents, my entire family down…

I have realized during these past few months, more than ever, that I am in fact in the wrong major/career path for me. However, I am realizing that I am not sure what is right for me. Do I want to be a nurse-will I be good at it? Do I want to be an accountant-will I be good at it? Do I want to be a teacher, a lawyer, a public health consultant…?

I guess I feel I want to wait for some sort of sign, a moment in which I realize that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But…I guess I don’t have the luxury of time, as I am supposed to graduate this May (pending acceptance into a study abroad program to fulfill a requirement)

Where does that leave me? What do I do?

For one, I like to have a solid idea/plan of where something can take me. Comm. is one of the broadest majors out there; you can get almost any job in any market. That really bugged me and still does. Secondly, if I can get all A’s and not really put forth much effort at all, it’s not challenging enough. I took all science and math courses my high school offered. Now, I’m taking classes that offer me no real challenge. I can’t even tell you what I’ve learned over the past year and a half that can translate into a future career.

It feels as though I’ve done every free career assessment quiz on the internet. Almost every one lists ‘accounting’ as a career that is best suited for me. Which is good, I guess, because accounting is a major I have been considering for some time. However, I see several drawbacks to this. One, although it is a 9-5 job, which I would like to have, it also is going to pretty much require that I be chained to a desk. And it seems as though it could get quite mundane…I don’t like mundane. I like to have purpose, and I like to be busy. However, I think accounting would be enough of a challenge for me, so that criterion fits.

A second career I have been contemplating rarely shows itself on the assessments:nursing. Originally, I was going to be a nurse. However, after some awful experiences at the doctor offices with my grandma-in which I decided if I had to deal with patients like my grandma on a daily basis I might shoot myself- as well as a car accident that ultimately changed my entire life’s direction, I decided to pursue other routes. Which, as it turns out, led me to my current position. Funny how life works, isn’t it?

Now, nursing has drawbacks too. For starters, it’s not a fixed schedule, 9-5 type of career. I’ll most likely also have to work weekends. And of course, dealing with a wide range of difficult people. My patience is often limited…However, if I do decide to go the nursing route, I would choose to specialize: either maternity, surgery, or anesthesia.

But to be perfectly honest, I can’t see myself in the ‘adult’ world…I can’t picture myself having a ‘real’ job or living on my own 100% of the time. So what does the future hold? I don’t know.

But I wish I did.